Q&A - Logical Imposed Consequences

Q:

"Can you explain natural consequences with an example. When my older child is aggressive with the younger, (or us!) what’s a natural consequence to hitting or pushing? What’s a natural consequence to refusing to get in the car for school. I’m genuinely curious, I’ve been trying to look up examples forever with no success."

A:

Let me start with some commiseration 💕

I dealt with similar behavior in a pretty extreme form, for some time. This issue was actually the catalyst for creating this blog! Our sweet child is particularly sensitive in social situations and chronically inflexible. She needs a fair heads-up before we plan a transition or else she tends to dig her heels in and through anxiety becomes aggressive. I was at a loss. I was not only rescuing the family from her but also rescuing her from herself at times. The book “The Explosive Child” by Ross w. Greene, PH. D. was very helpful during this time. I found out I was doing too much and there was a lack of mutual respect between us. I can say there is hope for you guys! We have a beautifully close relationship these days. That doesn't mean that our days are without trial, but I have been able to develop the tools to respond instead of react.

The Natural Consequence are something that don’t always immediately follow the offense. It takes time and intentional consideration to connect the dots appropriately sometimes. Most parents struggle with natural consequences because they are under the impression that if the consequence isn’t immediate it will be forgotten, but truthfully, that’s not the case. In fact the consequence is generally more memorable when it is relatable.

For example: when the child hits, pushes, or in other ways, treats someone undesirably is that the person won’t want to play together anymore. That could look like immediately walking away or next time they have the option to simply opt out of the play date. The opportunity for the parent is then presented when the child wonders, “why doesn’t so-and-so want to play with me anymore?” you can talk about non-verbal communication, respecting boundaries, and general manners for play date behavior. It’s important to note that connecting and empathizing with your kiddo always comes first because correction without connection is criticism. Additionally, correcting kids while they’re dis regulated is not going to have the desired effect.

In cases with small kids becoming aggressive, their main goal is to be seen and heard. They hit because they have learned it gets attention quickly. By establishing a reactive pattern we unknowingly give the unwanted behaviors power because it's hard to ignore such acts. Not that hitting ever should be ignored, hitting is a big no-no, but we need to carefully choose how we respond.

If their non-verbal communication is just to say "I'm mad!” or “Pay attention to me!" let’s think of appropriate verbal responses. Often times the violent behavior comes after a string of unanswered non-verbal signals. Getting better at reading out kids can put out the fuse before they end up exploding.

Once they have become violent, we need to say more than just, "We don't hit!" or "That's not nice," We need to actively remove them from harm, then help them regain control of their body. It doesn’t need to be lengthy or dramatic. Ideally, they are small enough, you could just pick them up and carry them elsewhere. But that isn’t always the case. narrate the entire situation and get to the bottom of the verbal disconnect. If we were to allow Natural Consequences to play out it likely would just fuel the tension. This is a situation that requires adult intervention.

I would use Logical Implied Consequences instead.

I won't deny, there have been times where I'm at a loss and I need to take some time to come up with a Logical Consequence. Consequences, both Natural and Logical, are not always obvious. But we can train ourselves to seek them out instead of resorting to default Punishments. I have been guilty of yelling out a habitual punishment in situations then taken them back after thinking it over. There is nothing wrong with admitting we made a mistake and trying to correct our self. If we are going to be breaking generational habits it's going to take some practice.

In cases where I find myself at a loss, I would rather them know I'm putting good consideration into the consequences rather than just flying by the seat of my pants. I want them to feel secure in my leadership and although apologizing is such an important skill to demonstrate, so is discernment. So I find myself using TIME-INs rather than TIME-OUTs. They sit with me, fully supervised until I can think of an appropriate consequence.

Just this morning I had the whole “get in the car” struggle. There are so many different facets to the situation.

1. Did you give everyone, yourself included, adequate time to prepare and prevent extra stress?

2. Did you adequately prepare your kids to be personally responsible? Can they get ready without supervision? If not, refer back to #1

3. Do they know what's expected of them?

4. Do they tune out your instructions because you're not speaking respectfully?

5. Are you flexible enough to make exceptions occasionally?

6. Are you capable of de-escalating minor emergencies calmly?

Kids brains process information much slower than ours; especially in a time of perceived crisis. Don’t assume that they are being defiant willfully. Alternatively, ask yourself whether this is the hill you want to die on. Would it make a difference if you tried to accommodate their request? If you can’t do what they asked, try to give them what they want in fantasy. “That sounds fun! We can’t right now, but remind me later” or “Oh interesting idea! That’s not an option today, but maybe tomorrow”. My three year-old cheers every time I say no in this way because it gives her hope.

When faced with defiance, I often use the “count to three” method. NOT the 1,2,3, you're gonna get it version. If you’ve tried the counting method before unsuccessfully, follow this link to grab copy of “1,2,3 magic”. When used appropriately, it not only gives kids the opportunity to process what I am asking, but gives me the time to imagine what the natural or logical consequences might look like.

To sum up the method:

First clearly state the expectation.

Then I slowly count:

One, (one - one thousand, two-one thousand, three- one thousand) Two…

I stop counting the moment I see any positive motion. It's not about the task being completed or the fit ceasing. It's about progress in the right direction.

If/when I reach three and they haven’t done what I asked yet (I rarely make it past one) I will calmly help them do what I asked.

The moment you get angry you lose all credibility.

So my son (5) decided, at the last minute, that he wanted to change his jacket before we left the house. I told him I need him to get in the car but he wanted to run back in the house.

Stalemate.

In my mind, I've already processed this information:

Problem: If I let him go back into the house we will be late- not an option.

Boundary: We can't be late.

Solution: I am faster, so I can go while he gets buckled. That way we wont be late and he also gets his jacket.

If this is not spelled out explicitly for our kids, then we are leaving them in the dark. They feel unseen and unheard and a tantrum ensues. If I say, “no, you can’t go. I'll do it.” He stops listening at the no. I try not to start my sentence with no. Instead, I build my sentences in reverse to make sure that they stay engaged.

Statement: “I am faster, I will go...

Clear Explanation: ...If you go, we will be late we cannot be late...

Firm Boundary: ...I need you to get in the car so that we are not late.”

Sometimes we might still experience the “I want to do it” because kids naturally want to be independent. If they resist at this point, after clear, firm, kind, instructions, then I will use the 1, 2, 3 count. This gives them the appropriate time to consider, logically, what I laid out for them. They usually come to the conclusion on their own that it’s a fair outcome.

Expectation: You get in the car.

Boundary: We can not be late.

Logical Implied Consequence after 1,2,3, count: "You chose not to cooperate. We can not be late. I don't have time to go find your jacket because I had to help you get in the car."

Practice this method consistently for consistent results. Let me know your thoughts in the comments section below.