Q&A Conflict Resolution-sibling rivalry
Q: What (do you do) about instances where there is hitting, or something hands-on, violent, etc.. so you can’t go straight to talking about feelings. After I separate siblings and calm everyone down, how can I approach talking about what happened/ how they felt? At that point everyone is playing something else (I have 3 kids) and their attention spans are so short.
A: Conflict resolution is so nuanced it’s hard to get a straight answer online; especially when you don’t know which “experts” to trust. Let’s break down our priorities.
1: Safety
Your first job is to step in calmly prevent anyone from getting hurt.
Start with physical action: move in and stop the action firmly but kind.
State the boundary: “I am not going to let you hit. (me, them, yourself, etc.)
Remove the aggressor from the area: “We are going to take a little break.”
Keep it short, respectful, and clear. No over-explaining or trying to be relatable; extra noise just adds fuel to the fire in most cases.
2: Calm
Because of the Developmental Planes (read more HERE) kids usually can’t reflect in-the-moment. It’s important to get them calm before trying to “fix” anything. It’s not something innate that everyone just gets, it’s a skill that has to be taught, like driving a car. Unfortunately, most people didn’t have very good instructors, so a lot of us don’t know what the heck were doing when it comes to our own kids.
That’s OK!
I’ve learned some tricks I’m excited to share. My favorite is called Attention Deployment, it works like this:
“Look a bird,” I say “I think its a blue bird” (it’s obviously not blue) and boom they are actively listening because kids looooove to tell you when you’re wrong (lol at least mine do).
This trick works by shifting their focus away from the emotionally-charged conversation and the odd or inaccurate fact effectively disrupts the pattern they are familliar with. When they try to solve this new mind-puzzle that you’ve created, they access their more logical, problem-solving brain.
At this point I would say, “oh you’re right! I made a mistake, I’m sorry” which is a perfect way to segue into talking about their mistakes in a low pressure way, while modeling an honest apology.
My kids aren’t huge fans of the whole “take a deep breath” approach. It kind of feels like when you’re really upset and someone tells you to “just chill out” - Not super helpful, is it?
3: Skills
So many moms feel frustrated because their child “should know better by now,” especially when these types of things keep happening. But here’s the thing: children can only act in ways their brains and bodies are capable of at that stage of development. You weren’t mad at your kids when their teeth didn’t grow in fast enough, or when they took too long to take their first steps. And it isn’t fair to hold a grudge over their social skills taking some time to develop either. But, the more consistent your responses are, the quicker they will be able to learn.
Psychologically, young children don’t yet have the impulse control or emotional regulation that adults often expect. Tantrums, resistance, or even hitting aren’t signs of “bad kids” they’re signs of a developing brain learning how to do life.
Physically, kids need movement, touch, and sensory experiences to grow. What sometimes looks like defiance (climbing, running off, refusing to sit still) is often just their body doing the developmental work it’s supposed to do. Our job is to allow these things when ever it’s safe and appropriate.
Socially, cooperation and empathy take years to develop. A preschooler who refuses to share isn’t selfish. They’re still learning what it means to belong to a group and consider others’ feelings. One day the light bulb will flick on and it will just click for them.
When you start viewing behavior through the developmental lens, it really changes everything. Instead of reacting with frustration or punishments, you can respond with patience, guidance, and tools that actually match your child’s abilities.
4: Connection
It sounds like this is where you might be loosing traction. You absolutely don’t have to interrupt their play; you can join them! Get down on the floor and take an interest in what they’re doing.
However, if you don’t want to risk reigniting the fire or you think they (or you) might need a little more time to calm down before talking about it, you can always try to find a neutral moment (bedtime routine, mealtime, car ride). My kids are ridiculously chatty during bedtime.
It’s common for parents to feel like they need to get straight to business but remember: correction before connection looks like criticism, and they don’t want to hear it! Skip the interrogation or the lectures. Instead, ask questions that invite reflection or problem-solving:
❌ “Why would you do that?”
✅ “Looks like something happened. Do you want to tell me about it?”
❌ “Say you’re sorry, right now!”
✅ “I can see that you’re sorry. Even though it’s tough, it’s important to apologize”
❌ “You know better!”
✅ “I believe you can make good choices. Whats a better way to behave?”
❌ “That was mean! Don’t be mean.”
✅ “That was hurtful. Let’s try again?”
❌ “Stop causing problems.”
✅ “We have a problem to solve. Let’s figure it out together.”
❌ “Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.”
✅ “I want you to hang out with me so I can help make better choices.” or “Do you want to go to a quiet space to have a quick reset?”
❌ “I told you not to do that, didn’t I?”
✅ “Remember what we agreed on? Let’s try again. Everyone makes mistakes.”
❌ “Look what you made me do! Now I’m mad!”
✅ “I’m feeling frustrated right now. I’m going to take a break, and then we’ll talk later.”
❌ “You’re always picking on your brother/sister.”
✅ “It seems like you’re having a hard time getting along. Let’s figure out a solution.”
❌ “You’re older, it’s your job to set a good example.”
✅ “Other people are always watching your example. What to you want to teach them?”
5: Repair
I don’t know about you, but for me growing up, apologies were a big deal. We were forced to say sorry on the spot and to be honest, as a kid, it only made me more resentful toward my brother for “losing” the fight. That’s not what saying “sorry” is all about.
We never force apologies but we do encourage repair. A quick “Make it right,” or “You know what you need to do,” works for the older kids, but for the littles, there’s still a bit of a learning curve.
✨ The Adlerian Bottom Line: Discipline isn’t about blame or punishment. It’s about respect, teaching skills for the future, and building empathy and responsibility over time.
We teach apologizing, as I mentioned earlier, through example. Real meaningful apologies are the best teacher. We have a talk with the littles when they are hesitant and I will bring up a time when I messed up and had to say sorry and about how it gets easier the more you practice. We talk about humility and about empathy and all the deep stuff far away from the original conflict.
🚧 To avoid stepping on the “landmine” next time…
When conflicts go unresolved, they become landmines in the relationship. It’s going to take some work to diffuse the long buried mines and intention to prevent more from being planted.
Feel free to use this list as your official decoder:
Observe the triggers. What usually sparks the fights? (sharing toys, fairness, need for attention, tiredness, hunger) → prevention is powerful.
Set proactive agreements. Using low-conflict role playing, explore scenarios that might come up later. “What happens if two people want the same toy? What could you do instead of grabbing or yelling?” Make it a family brainstorm before the conflict arises.
Coach “stop & signal” skills. Teach them a simple phrase or gesture they can use when things heat up, like “pause!” or “I need space.” This is a great time to teach them to ask for help. In it’s most primitive forms “Help me!” often is mistaken for naughty behavior:
Hitting, biting, or throwing
What it really means: “I don’t have words for my big feelings. I need help calming down.”
Whining or using a “baby voice”
What it really means: “I feel small and overwhelmed. I need comfort and closeness.”
Ignoring directions or Saying “No!”
What it really means: “I need some power and autonomy. Please let me have a choice.”
Clinginess
What it really means: “I’m feeling insecure. I need reassurance that you’re my safe base.”
Hyper behavior
What it really means: “I’m dysregulated or tired. Help me slow down and re-center.”
Talking back, yelling, or name-calling
What it really means: “I feel powerless. I need to know my voice matters.”
Breaking things or making a mess on purpose
What it really means: “I have too much energy or frustration. I need an outlet for it.”
Suddenly “forgetting” skills
What it really means: “I’m stressed or anxious. I need extra support and gentleness right now.”
Model your own regulation. When you get frustrated, narrate: “I’m feeling upset,” They need to know that they aren’t responsible for your feelings. Your love is unconditional and regulation is a life-long skill, there isn’t something wrong with them for being emotional.
Highlight success. When they handle a situation well, name it (don’t praise it - read why HERE):
“I noticed you waited for your turn without me reminding. That was respectful.” → reinforces the neural pathways for cooperation and more.
Thank you so much for your question — I hope this was helpful! 💛 If you or someone you know has been dealing with hitting, biting, or other challenging behaviors, I hope this perspective brings a little more clarity and compassion. Remember, what often looks like “acting out” is really a call for help.
👉 If this resonated, please share it with a parent who might need the encouragement, and let me know in the comments what behaviors you’d like me to decode next!
<3R
